Wait or Work?

I am a member of a church. Even though I am agnostic and queer, I have been part of this church family for about 8 years now. They accept me for who I am, and the only change they wish of me is for the better. Whether that be a relationship with the Christian God once more, or steps in the direction that’s right for me in my spiritual journey.

As a pastor I once knew frequently said: “I tell you that to tell you this.”

Last week, my church started a series based off Hamilton. Specifically, a book called “God and Hamilton” written by Kevin Cloud. We had the honor of not only hearing him preach on Sunday, but he also hosted a workshop at a different church called Creativity & Faith. Now, at the time, I hadn’t listened to the Hamilton sound track. I knew generally what the musical was about (thanks, history), I just had no idea how moving and inspiring it was. And don’t worry, I have since seen Hamilton and it was amazing and life-changing and I have been listening to the soundtrack on repeat. If it’s not in my headphones, the songs echo through my head anyway.

Back to Kevin’s workshop, Creativity & Faith. He started off stating how stories have always had an impact on humans. He said that when you create a story, you send a ripple out into the world that has an unimaginable power of good for both others and yourself.

He went on to say that everyone is creative in their own way because (according to the Bible) we were made in the image of a creative God. He said that creativity touches absolutely every aspect of our lives. That we are only fully alive when we are creative. That creating takes courage.

The bulk of the workshop was talking about the three steps to becoming a ripple maker.

Step One: Connect creativity with calling. Accept that creativity is not a hobby.

Step Two: Overcome and identify resistance. There are two kinds of resistance; external and internal. External is hard, but internal is harder (especially when you have depression and anxiety).

Step Three: Do the work and surrender the results. Accept that it takes time to get good and that we have little control over the scope and impact of our work.

I left that workshop knowing that it had changed my life, even in the smallest of ways. It forced me to take a look at my talents and try to figure out which one I was most passionate about, or, as Kevin would put it, which one I was being called to do. This actually kind of forced me into an anxious cycle. I didn’t feel as though I was being called to anything. And while seeing Hamilton was life-changing (in a big way), it didn’t help how directionless I felt. Especially the last song. “And when you’re gone, who remembers your name? Who keeps your flame? Who tells your story?”

I was never one who thought of their legacy. I’ve felt directionless my entire adulthood. When I started college, I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I grew up. I was Undeclared for the six semesters I was in college. I never considered that “History has its eye on me”. And then three strangers, Alexander Hamilton, Lin Manuel-Miranda, and Kevin Cloud forced me to consider that.

When I went to church today, I wrote the following prayer request:

“Clarity for finding my calling and my passion in life. I’ve been feeling rather directionless recently. I have a liking for many and a passion for none. ‘Jack of all trades, master of none.'”

I’ve been surrounded by people who clearly know what their passions are. They know what they live for, and it was only making me realize how much I didn’t have that.

Then my pastor, whom I love deeply, gave a sermon on when to be like Burr and wait…and when to be like Hamilton and take action.

My mom would say this was a God Moment (at church, no less). The number one song I connected with was “Wait For It”. Because “If there’s a reason I’m still alive when so many have died, then I’m willing to wait for it.”

I don’t have a passion in life, but I’m willing to wait around for it to find me. Then my pastor challenged that. He said that there are times to wait while acting, and there are times to work while waiting. That there are times when waiting before taking big actions is better than just jumping to a decision. Then there are others where, if you don’t work, you’re going to be waiting forever.

I just turned 27. It’s not outrageous to say that I’ve been waiting for a good part of forever for my passion, my drive to find me.

If I stand for nothing, what will I fall for?

I don’t have a revelation (or revolution) from this yet. So, I guess I’ll leave off with this question my pastor posed today.

Do I prefer the slavery of the past, or the freedom and uncertainty of the future?